theophiliacs

HOLLYWOOD, CA – All eyes were on Hollywood Sunday night as the world’s biggest stars got together to celebrate how awesome they are. The action started early on the red carpet as famous people paraded around in expensive things other famous people designed for them to wear. ACTRESS WOMAN was stunning in a sort of a red thing that slung around her waist aquatically that had a few sparkles on it.

“My dress was designed by DESIGNER BRAND,” she told reporters. “I love it and thank you so much for caring whether or not I look fabulous in it. All of you at home should probably do something about orphans in Africa.”

The excitement continued inside when all the famous people and nearly-famous people got together to laugh at each other’s jokes.

“We’re all very beautiful and reporters write about us in magazines,” said ANNOUNCER GUY dryly, “but then we get angry when they include things about our personal lives,” came the punch line to uproarious applause.

MOODY BIG ISSUE MOVIE stole the show this year with an amazing eight nominations and four little man statues. Accepting the award for best something-or-other, BIG SHOT SUNGLASSES DUDE thanked all his favorite cliches and then said a shocking statement so it could be replayed on youtube for the next few weeks.

Underdog SOBBING GIRL was very surprised to find herself being handed a statue for being both beautiful and able to say lines fed to her while standing in front of a camera. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house as everyone pretended to be happy for her.

ANNOUNCER GUY gave a surprise life-time achievement award to all of Hollywood for providing America with such sound fashion and political advice for so many years. He also offered this word of encouragement to all his fellow movie stars,

“Don’t worry Hollywood, all those boring people who live between California and New York will see the light soon enough.”

The only downer of the night was the slightly preachy winner of the documentary statue which the producers had wisely buried into the middle of the show when most people were probably going to the bathroom anyway. He humbly accepted his award before asking all too poignantly, “Come on guys, are we really that big of a deal?”

The highlight of the magical evening came during a surprisingly moving speech from statue winner CLASSY GUY WHO CARES ABOUT IMPORTANT STUFF who launched into an emotional plea for International Oppression Rights of America.

“Tonight I’m going to be drinking champagne into the early morning with other famous people while the rest of America has to go work tomorrow. Who will be there to help the rights of those who need an advocate? Who will take a passing interest in real issues merely because I’m famous and told you to? Who will be there? Will you be there? Because I promise to go on making movies about being there.”

The speech was so amazing that everyone remarked about it later.

All involved agreed that Hollywood Statue Night was a great success. In comparison to these fascinatingly beautiful people our lives are probably quite dull, and it’s very nice of them to put on a little show for us so we can have something to talk about at the office tomorrow.