theophiliacs

What follows are warmed up leftovers from my undergrad years as a college campus satire writer, à la The Onion.

PREACHER UTILIZES MOVIE CLIP EVERYONE HAS ALREADY SEEN TO ILLUSTRATE POINT EVERYONE HAS ALREADY HEARD
ST. LOUIS PARK, MN: After waiting for what seemed like ages for the sound man to get his act together, members of “New Hope Life Christ Center of God in the Valley” in St. Louis Park were treated to a pixelated, awkwardly framed scene from 1999’s “The Matrix.” You know, the part where Neo needs to choose between the red and blue pill, remember that part? Yeah. Of course you do. The scene was used as ‘creative appeal’ for ‘those artsy types’ to illustrate how we are faced with a decision between two worlds when we follow Christ, or something.

BRILLIANT “RISK” CAMPAIGN GOES UNADMIRED BY FLOORMATES
KAMCHATKA, 4 West – The theater of war was thick with the sounds of battle yet the majority of civilians on Mens Dorm, 4 West Carlson Hall ambled by oblivious last Thursday night. Freshman Erik Vandergoven executed a risky bait in switch in his take over of North America from Sophomore Danny Banks, who admits Vandergoven is “a lot better at this strategy stuff” then him. Rather than gloat to his floor mates over about “how smart that Erik guy” is, as Vangergoven would’ve preferred, Banks quit early in time to run to White Castle with some guys, leaving the disappointed Freshmen alone to think about how useless his Risks skills are for getting girls.

ACTS 2:2-4 RETIRES, PENTECOSTALS ACCEPTING RESUMES FOR NEW BANNER PASSAGE
THE ETHER BETWEEN EXEGESIS AND EISEGESIS – “It’s been a good run, and I have no regrets,” said premier passage Acts 2:2-4 through tearful eyes at a retirement party of his closest friends and family. “You Pentecostals have been so good to me over the years, and the wind, fire, and tongues I’ve brought over the past century just isn’t enough to say thank you.” Acts 2:2-4 cites family as his principe reason for leaving full time, vocational quotation. Meanwhile Pentecostal Fellowships around the world struggle to find a new verse to preach on. “Of course we’ll never be able to replace Acts 2:2-4,” says one preacher. “but we’re optimistic we’ll find someone in there [The Bible] that can stand in. We’re optimistic about that young kid Acts 19:6, but I’m just not sure he has the power we need.” Acts 2:2-4 and his wife Acts 1:8 plan on moving back to their hometown of Cleveland.

SOPHOMORE OVER ANALYZES RESPONSE ON CRUSH’S FACEBOOK WALL
FLIRT DE ELECTRONIC, MN – Sophomore Tim Nieman has had a crush on freshmen Cassie Larson ever since he read her Facebook “note” about worshipping God with a pure heart last October. Last Thursday, the relationship escalated when Cassie left a message on Tim’s facebook wall, “thanks for the text message today!”

After 18 minutes of agonizing over her initial message, sophomore Tim Nieman finally settled on, “your super welcome! sending texts are the best because they let you communicate without talking” as his response. “It’s enthusiastic yet non challant, but still informative” Nieman told reporters. He’s utilized facebook social dynamics to glean such vital information as Cassie’s cell number, her favorite Disney movies, and the degree to which she despises her Christian Leadership I Lab.

Nieman went on further to explain, “I wanted to let her know that I was happy that she was happy that I sent her a text. But I didn’t want to appear over eager or desperate. I left a few letters uncapitalized that should’ve been capitalized as if I wrote it really quick without thinking. My favorite part is the implied message underneath it all: that she should send me a text too.”